Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Tomorrow I go to Cuba, so no pornography there. Which means I go eight days without porn and eight days in a great environment to make a fresh start and come back clean.

I have been unable to quit recently, but my habit hasn't had any major side-effects like it usually does. Normally I can't get motivated to go to the gym, or read or do any work. But lately I have been really pushing myself in the gym and as a result I am as sore as hell. I can't even lie with my legs straight tonight because of the lower body work I've been doing.

The pain in my legs isn't what is stopping me from sleeping, I keep thinking about my now ex-girlfriend and how much I miss her. I wonder if she feels the same, or even if she still cares about me. I keep thinking of all these ways I want to reach out to her and be close, but I am stuck with no way out. Porn and a broken heart are not friends, no matter how closely paired one might think they are. Why would I even bring up my love-life and porn you ask? My girlfriend was the combination of everything you could ask for in a woman, she was sexy and thoughtful. Caring and beautiful, I may never get the chance to experience those ever again. I thought the one thing I needed from my life to clear my head was to find another girl and see if what I had was right.

Clarity is never something you can go looking for, no matter how we try to obtain it. Seeing clearly is something which finds us, in the moments inside our heads when we break fresh ground in our lives. For me, the thoughts of incredible saddness coupled with the speed at which these ideas are moving has allowed me to understand my real problems. For a long time, I was convinced that my only problem was porn and a lack of motivation. I came to realize these feelings were actually depression, the inner workings of my life were not as simple and as impenetrable as I had believed. Rather I had approached the problem from the wrong side, I tried to understand what was going on in my mind by looking at the wall, rather than through a window. Much could be said of the other shortcomings in my life and I guess there is a serious moral to all of this. Being alert, and seeing clearly means rationally understanding and interpreting life as it happens rather than ignoring it for the sake of simiplicity. I gave up on that when I became complacent: my capacity to problem solve, romance and love were swept away when I stopped thinking.

The abscense of this love has filled me with a longing to get things right, the question is: Can I maintain this clarity?


Blogger Christopher said...

"My girlfriend was the combination of everything you could ask for in a woman, she was sexy and thoughtful. Caring and beautiful, I may never get the chance to experience those ever again."

I'm sure she was quite a girl for you to care about her so much. She was your drug and now you're going through withdrawal.

Your feelings are not going to just go away because you will them away, so I'm not trying to stop you feeling the way you do. Be sad. It's what all those thousands of love songs are about. And you can even use that sadness to your advantage. Painful emotionality can bring out the best of your creativity -- put it to use in poems, music, drawing, whatever. You're going to hurt for a while so you might as well put it to good use.

But she is not the last girl you will ever love. And believe me, we can never fully appreciate the experience of love until we've lost it. The next woman you fall for will be lucky to have you, because you've been out there and back and will never take her for granted.

6:29 AM  

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