Saturday, July 29, 2006

It has been over fifteen days since I:

1) Masturbated to porn

2) Downloaded a thumbnail video clip

3) Had any porn saved on my harddrive

It has been twenty days since I last:

1) Had extensive amounts of pornography saved to disk.

2) Browsed a "non-nude" thumbnail site, and a "non-nude" website. (Which is such a figurative term as it basically connotes that the commonplace moneyshot photograph is usually replaced by the delights of full-frontal nudity.)

3) Browsed a pornography oriented torrent site.

The wording of these acheivements is misleading however: I have seen pornography. The siren's call has been too much, a clear conscience is all that has saved me from turning my back on this whole business. The time lost to porn starts to make more sense at the end of the day, there was this blur and clearly an end. Maybe you could call it a high and let's not even bring up the pavlovian effects of just seeing a hit. That trivializes the whole business, it begs to end up in some church bulletin, the soundbyte and quote for some throwaway magazine article. The best part of not using porn and breaking the addiction is the clarity. The blur it creates just seems to be totally senseless, a venture into the abstract and without values.

I mean, if you observed my habits day to day you'd begin to wonder if there was ever a real habit. What do I like to get off to and for how long? Those were all really just integrers and the real determinant was the stream, you could say pornography is more like a coalmine for an addict. You can't see shit, but when you find a pure strain you know you've hit the jackpot. Other days you can spend all day fruitlessly mining for nothing, all the leads go nowhere and if you're unlucky some asshole linked a page you were looking off with incest thumbnails. Literations are so worthless, what I wanted to say is that the last couple of days have opened my eyes to how distracted I've been.

One of the things that you realize after a few days, is that you have no sense of self-worth and even among your own personal relationships. Friends, family and lovers seem kind of meaningless, getting off is a loveless state. The rewards seem to satisfy a need, but pornography does not return the feelings and these feelings seem like non-entity in your emotional state. You invest so much time in porn and it in return invests nothing in you.

Call that a closing thought and something to think about for anyone considering quitting.


Blogger Christopher said...

Just out of curiosity: how are you filling up the empty time you once spent browsing? Has quitting as yet had secondary effects on your personal habits, your willpower, or your sex drive?

11:09 AM  

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