Saturday, July 15, 2006

Breakdown,

Five days after I started and I broke down. However,I did not hurl myself into porn. I jumped on a search engine and pulled up a few images. I spent most of the time figuring out if there was even a porn start I actually wanted to look at. (For an update on my new goal, read the bottom paragraph.) It was really insightful to get even five days away from the stuff. Porn not only started to seem really fake (calling it staged would just be too ironic.) and the girls failed to keep my interest. The whole process lasted 15 minutes and as a whole that is an eigth of the time I normally spend.

The five days leading up to today were really hard, I almost lost my job due to a major shift in my hours and to top it off, I've spent a majority of the last five with my girlfriend,. The rage at my workplace, combined with the lack of porn, constant exposure to my partner was incredibly stressful as it felt like I was losing my grip. Yesterday was the peak, and the decompression has been really good for my head. Instead of constantly browsing for porn I'm reading all the books I end up buying and my ability to focus has greatly increased. The distance has also given me some time to reflect on my sexual history and motivation. Recently, I just remembered what my main motivation for masturbating as an adolescent. I used belive it that it was an act of preparation of for the time when my body and sexual relationships developed. Ten years down the road I've never really stopped and yet my body has matured and I've been in a multitude of sexual and comitted relationships. Clearly that excuse served only to help me find a new one, setting the stage for a particularly unhealthy view of sex and sexuality.

Seriously.

Ever ask your girlfriend/spouse/partner if they were interested in sharing the bed with another person? (in my case, another woman) Guaranteed fastest way to bring them to absolute tears and for you to be a total hypocrite monster. Not only has pornography become a serious influence on the way the mainstream concieves of relationships, but they fail to realize how destructive that sexual subconsious is towards to the desire to be in a healthy and satisfying relationship. An emphasis on polygamy, size and frequency has lead us to believe that we cannot be satisfied by 'normal' or single partner sexual activites. The most painful part of this misconception is that it skews healthiness as boring and endorses a dangerous and unatainable perfection. The weight which this deposits on our consciousness can oftentimes be painful.

In the freudian sense of the abject, this is reflected in the exact opposite viewpoint. The relgious right has been known to espouse a completely contradictory, but simiarly unhealthy value. As a child I attended a religious summercamp where the concept of masturbation we were told, was a damnable sin. What a better thing to tell kids who are just at the dawn of their sexual lives. "Enjoying yourself is surely going to damn your eternal soul straight to fucking hell". What a better message to a bunch of confused youths who are allready experiencing self-loathing and insecurity; feelings that could only be amplified by that kind of rhetoric.

In any case the point I am getting at here, is that being for or against the issue is not the solution. Sexuality seems to be stuck between two polar abolutes, you're either a 'depraved sex fiend' or a 'moral soldier of abstinence'. I'd like to point out that neither of these are good for anyone who does not want to be either, choosing your own sexual destiny is one of the most important decisions you can make for yourself. If I want ot be 'a moral and trustworthy sex fiend' so be it.

What does this have to do with pornography you might be asking? Well for one, I am not for or against. Keeping it healthy and in perspective is where it should be, putting it to either end of the spectrum will only cause alienation and suffering. Finally, for those of you reading who are dissapointed in my early lapse; I've set a new goal and that is fifteen days. Five was painful, but I feel that I've allready come so far. The insight has been helpful in putting some distance between myself and the addiction. For the record, five days is the longest I've gone without porn without being completely deprived of the internet.

Lastly, thanks to everyone who has thrown in their support.

2 Comments:

Blogger Tess Marshall said...

Kudo's for wanting to give up porn.
Focus on one day at a time. If it's too much go to one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time. If you can do 5 days, you can do 15. If you can give it up for 15 you can give it up for a lifetime.

Bottom line: Life's to short to waste your time on fatasy.

Congratulations for taking your life back. You can get support at www.Kickpornblog.com
Tess Marshall

11:04 AM  
Blogger Christopher said...

Blind, I think you have a much healthier and more practical view of pornography addiction than god lady Tess up here. You are right to avoid the extremes. Both will lead to further suffering, and possibly abject failure. Keep it simple and keep it practical. It's about what you want in life, not what the church wants.

When I started Porn Forgotten I set some really lofty goals, and soon realized that it simply wasn't necessary to ask myself to give up porn completely. I just needed to consume less of it and stop it interfering with my life. I've done that.

Five days is a good start. I think if you go back to my first week, I hit a big wall about five days into it. It's just thanks to my girlfriend pitching in some help that I didn't lapse.

I think fifteen days is a good second step, and I see it as totally doable. A few extra words:
1. You will be tempted left and right by the most inane shit. Viral videos, internet banner ads, a TV show. The best thing to do is get the hell away from it as soon as you see it. Don't click that link, even out of curiosity. You know what a tit looks like.
2. Try your best not to let your frustrations rub off on your relationship. If you can man up and tell your girlfriend the truth, all the better. She might not like it at first, but if she is a caring and understanding person, she will read your blog and see this is a real issue and then she will help (and believe me, you'll LIKE this kind of help). If she isn't caring and understanding, what are you doing with her in the first place?
3. Don't deny your body what it needs for too long. You can go without pornography, but if you've got a raging boner that's making you fidget and pace your office (it happened to me) do what you need to do to relieve it without porn. Go back to my blog and read the post about Random Walk Masturbation. It's not porn, but it replaces some of the fun of pornography in a way that's easier to manage. You may even discover that you like your imagination more than pictures (probably not, but it's worth a shot, right?).
4. If you've got lots of idle time, get out of the house. Reading is great, but you're still near a computer. Martial arts and sports are my favorite ways to get away. Join a team, find a tennis or basketball buddy, and schedule regular games. You may be late for work now and then because work sucks. But sports and martial arts are fun. You'll WANT to stop looking at porn for them.
4. Keep being honest with your blog!
5. I'm watching you. You owe me 15 days.


Porn Forgotten

7:36 AM  

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